A Rush of Epiphanies

Et tu, Chuckles? You almost have to wonder if this wasn’t coordinated. Oh hell! Who are we kidding – ourselves? Of course it was coordinated. Good ole Chuck “Chuckles” Schumer steps up to the microphone on, of all days can you believe it, April 20 and announces to the world the introduction of legislation to decriminalize marijuana nationally.

He dusted off some of his old stagecraft. Back in the day Chuckles was actually his stage name – a fact he has since gone to great lengths to conceal. In an age where non-disclosure agreements are worth less than toilet paper the truth will out: our Senate minority leader, the senior US Senator from the state of New York, was once Chuckles the Clown. A model for The Simpsons character. Sadly Chuckles was not blessed with the same comic gifts as some later iterations of the Schumer clan. Politics, of course,was a natural second choice.

At the dais, the lights and cameras all trained at him, he arranged his few props. A couple of notecards, those pince-nez at the ready to be perched upon his nose and a sliced onion (just in case the moment required the emotion). There is really little difference between comedy and politics. Comedy is part theater and politics are the theater of the absurd. This was a meticulously staged event, a theater played for a media audience, while anyone who would actually give a shit was otherwise occupied. I could,of course, be wrong about that. In a few house parties down in the Village there may have been small circles of stoners, gathered about their bongs with the latest Kush to await the joyous announcement live on C-Span. Or not.

What transpired at this announcement is in reality of little consequence. Chuckles has said lots of things. He has also done lots of things. We need to look at both.

First of all let’s consider how this announcement was made. It wasn’t a town hall somewhere in New York, where perhaps the concerned constituent might attend. No, instead it was done in Washington DC before a pool major media and their cameras. This in turn spawns a flurry of interviews, like one given to VICE News in which Chuckles said:


“Ultimately, it’s the right thing to do. Freedom. If smoking marijuana doesn’t hurt anybody else, why shouldn’t we allow people to do it and not make it criminal?”


Gee, pa! That sounds keen! That’s rather like “it’s for the children”: who will be opposed to that? That’s what he says. Is this really what he would do? Well, maybe yes and… maybe not so much. I’m not being jaded. I’m being honest. I can demonstrate. Take the same quote, but remove the word marijuana and substitute the word tobacco.

Now to be fair we can say that, yes tobacco is a legal product, but how much freedom is the user permitted? In a place like, oh let’s say New York City? Ask Eric Garner about that. Oh I’m sorry. I forgot. He’s dead. Maybe you could ask his family.

I doubt that Chuckles is going to reverse his position on tobacco. I am thus led to the conclusion that any legalization that may occur within Chuckles’ universe will entail severe restrictions. There will be restrictions on who can buy, where it can be bought and where it may be consumed. Those second hand smoke considerations will not be ignored. And as with tobacco products they will tax the bejesus out of it. 

The results of this will be entirely predictable. There will be shitty, overpriced dope and not enough of it. The marijuana economy is doing just fine, Chuckles. We don’t need you; we don’t want you. Go away. This is an election year. A lot of tight congressional races and candidates in desperation to regain or retain the reins of congress. EXPECT a rush of epiphanies on this topic. Tearful confessions of evolved thinking and a sudden leaning upon libertarian principles previously discounted. To you stoners young and old I say: DON’T BELIEVE ANY OF THEM

This is Ford Wenty reporting. When the little tech heads working around this joint get it figured out you will find my reports featured on my page, Doom and Reprisal.