High Tea with Carlton Milhouse, Edition 4

High Tea w Carlton Milhous

 

If it’s Sunday (and it is) and the clock on the wall says 4:20 (and it does), that means it is time for High Tea, with me, Carlton Milhouse. Your botanist.

Hey! How’s everybody doing this week? All blazed up? Ready? Okay, good.  As for myself the High Tea mug is loaded this week with some orange pekoe black tea and the fruits of a hybrid strain I experimented with this past summer. This plant was derived from a very hearty but relatively low yield sativa and a more delicate, yet highly potent, purple kush. I had no expectation that this should evolve into a viable strain on it’s own, rather it was for the purpose of developing a strain of the sativa which would thrive in a higher ph soil.  I did save and cure some of the lot because of it’s intriguing appearance alone. I call it Kermit’s Bane: like the legendary frog this weed also finds that “it ain’t easy being green”.  The rich evergreen hue of sativa 00166 is overwhelmed with crawling, fuzzy tendrils of fuschia, wrapping subtly around every bud. It takes on the appearance of farmland awakening from winter’s blanket, when the fields are fully abloom with purple vetch. On this grey winter day it seemed a fitting choice, and…. I must say I have no regrets!

Just gonna jump right into the shit this week. First, sorry we missed you last week. Like much of the rest of the country we experienced some inclement weather. I’m not going to lie to you: there was no weather related power outage, no snow emergency that in any way prevented our publication. We got totally baked and went out and played in the snow! Okay, so there’s that…

Umm…next up: Was Carlton Milhouse a child model?  There are some vague rumors circulating that I, Carlton Milhouse, was some kind of child celebrity. Before this gets out of hand I will make full disclosure. Yes, as a juvenile, I did do some modeling for advertisements. I was in no way a “child star” or “celebrity” and my portfolio was very, very brief. Here is a sample of my proudest achievement in the field:

 

baked

 

Okay, maybe I’m not so proud of it, but hell! I was only 17! It does account for how I’ve turned out, doesn’t it?

Alright, on to other matters. This week we mark the one year anniversary of the passing of the great Mark E. Smith of The Fall. A whole fucking year already!? Wow! Where did that go? As he sang in Stephen Song he remains “our hero still deeply loved”.

The government shutdown, in case anyone actually gave a major fuck, was ended this week. I guess. Until the next round in three weeks, or whenever. ZFG

Next week will be our Super Bowl edition with High Tea completed a full two hours before kickoff, leaving you plenty of time to get your bake, drink and munchies on with us before the game starts. At the risk of alienating some of our audience I will come out as a supporter of the Pat’s in this contest. You can love ’em or hate ’em, but there is no arguing with success and experience. I’d like to see Tom get his final ring and retire to what I am certain will be a lucrative broadcasting job. Or who knows? He may go the route of other NFL quarterback greats like Norm Van Brocklin or Bart Starr, or a more recent case, Jim Harbaugh. I wouldn’t want that aggravation, you know? I mean what the hell does this guy have to prove? He can just go and bang his supermodel wife on a private beach somewhere for the rest of their days. Hell, that’s what I’d be doing!

Oh! There I’ve done it! I have stumbled into the dumb shit of the week category: I have exhibited my toxic masculinity. I’ve got a few words for you Gillette! They begin with:

fuck you with a flexible, 36″, two-headed dildo

Those are my first thoughts. There’s more, I’m sure, but that’s good for now. Toxic masculinity? What the fuck is that? They not selling enough razors to women? What the hell is the motive to run this piece of stupidity?  Wait…what’s that? The Patriots play at Gillette Stadium. Oh yeah…..that’s right. Shit! Now I’ve got more to think about!

Alright. We’ll have all this sorted by next week. Until then, stay stoned my friends.

 

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