Ford Wenty’s indispensable tips for how to deal with crocodiles

To begin, there are some essential facts about crocodiles which must be clear to all who wish to survive an encounter.  First and foremost, as far as our best science can tell, the crocodile (and it’s variant cousins) have been alive and thriving on this planet since before we were a whisper in some ape’s nutsack. A relic from the age of dinosaurs; yea even, perhaps survivors of the great meteor impact circa 60 million years ago. These facts alone suggest a species predisposed to being a badass. The secret to this longevity is an extraordinary simplicity of design. While we humans have dedicated ourselves to evolving our conscience, our reptilian counterparts have instead refined their best physical attributes so as to dominate their environment and thrive as a species.  Every moment of every day is about the survival of the individual crocodile (eating) and of the crocodile as a species (fucking).

Understanding these basic truths are critical in determining how one may deal with crocodiles. In only a few centuries, a mere blink of an eye in their context, strange mutations have occurred. We have witnessed the accelerated evolution of strange new urban varieties of this species; a crocodile 2.0, if you will. Though their habitat may have expanded, know that the basic traits have remained the same. If through some unfortunate circumstance one should find that they inhabit the same space with the crocodile, the creature has no interest whatsoever in sharing that space. The crocodile’s only interest is in mounting you or eating you. Either way, you’re fucked.

It would seem that in recent weeks we have become overwhelmed with these reptiles in certain quarters.  I don’t believe that there are more of them suddenly, but they are no doubt emboldened to show their numbers. There is much debate surrounding what should be done about them and as yet no consensus. Having some knowledge of game management, it would be my recommendation to pursue a course of eradication and relocation. As there seem to be few, if any, who actually wish to deal with this problem, I will hold my powder on offering solutions. I will, however, offer the following tips for what NOT to do:

 

  1.  Crocodiles detest solid ground. They are better suited to murky waters. The urban crocodile will attempt to lure you into it’s own environment. Under NO circumstance should one EVER attempt to engage a crocodile on it’s own “turf”
  2. Crocodiles are never benign. They may float along like a lazy log, with all kinds of cute little birds perched upon their bumpy hides. They want you to think that they are just idling lazily about the lily pads. They are not. They are waiting for something to eat or fuck; it depends only upon the time of day and the most recent satiation of either appetite which. NEVER trust a crocodile.
  3. Crocodiles are ruthless negotiators. DO NOT ever attempt negotiations with a crocodile, ESPECIALLY if one is fool enough to have been tempted into entering the crocodile’s murky waters: their home “turf”, as it were. Crocodiles are all about leverage. Even if they have not managed to attain a physical advantage within their own environment, the negotiations always begin upon the dual predicates dictating that their opponent may alternately be eaten or fucked. It’s not actually a choice. The crocodile reserves the right to exercise both options.
  4. One can NOT APPEASE a crocodile. NEVER think that by offering one’s right arm the crocodile will be contented. Since in this instance one has already signalled a willingness to be eaten, the crocodile has thus attained the desired leverage. The crocodile does not care one spit about whether you are consumed all at once, or in installments. Either way, the crocodile gets what it wants.
  5. NEVER KNEEL before a crocodile. This is an invitation to any crocodile to take your head into it’s mighty jaws and pull you down to the bottom of the river until drowned; whereupon your corpse will be drawn up to the riverbank for all to see. Then, thus rendered to a state of zero resistance, the crocodile will violently fuck your sad remains until sated. Then it will eat whatever is left.

 

Here we are, nearing the precipice of our third decade in a new century. I never imagined needing to have this talk, and yet here we are. The sad fact is that crocodiles, for reasons unknown to us, actually do serve some purpose in the bigger scheme of things. That purpose is not something that we need to figure out. All we need to understand is that there is no such thing as a “peaceful coexistence” with the crocodiles. Such a coexistence may only occur peaceably in which you are meat, in one sense or another, for the crocodile.  If you’re that much into submission then please, be my guest. Just don’t volunteer it on my, or anyone else’s account.