In all of the sound and fury of the recent midterm elections a chapter in US diplomatic history has been quickly and conveniently forgotten. It is a story of which, although it may not yet be complete, we have been given a suitable foretaste. Much of this of course has been alternately sensationalized or underplayed, depending upon one’s voice of choice, but the Singapore Summit marked a true milestone in 21st century geopolitics. Much was reported at the time, most of which was largely speculative in nature and little of it flattering to the president. This reporter, however, was able to (through extortion and intimidation) obtain a first hand insight into what actually transpired at the meeting. The following is an account of some of those discussions. Other segments, for concerns of national security, have been redacted.
Ah, Kim! So pleased to finally meet you! I’ve been a big admirer for a long time. How was your flight?
Mr. President Trump… I have been big admirer for you also! Flight was okay. Thank you again for jet fuel…
What, that? Bah! What’s a few hundred gallons of jet fuel between friends, right? We’re friends, right? Of course we’re friends! Come on and sit here with me, Kim. We have a lot to talk about.
It was most generous gift, but uh….why you no come to North Korea?
Wellll….you know, Kim, we weren’t sure it would be safe for you. I mean you’re just like me, you know? So beloved by your people and since you’ve been trash talking us for so long we thought maybe there would be some of your people – you know like maybe some of those generals – well….They might have been a little pissed off about me coming in there, you know, with the great big jet and all. Before I go you gotta come see Air Force 1, or….You know what? What the hell, right? Maybe we’ll just take a ride somewhere. Yeah, but anyway, Kim, we figured for this first meeting -this is just the first you know – it would be better to make it a neutral site.
I see. Maybe, uh, next meeting I come to America?
Sure! That would be great, just great. You can be my guest at Mar a Lago!
Not at white house?
Oh Kim! Just between me and you, okay…that place is a dump! Really, you’ll like Florida much, much more. Nicer place, better weather, hotter babes. Really, Kim, that much I can tell you.
What? What Kim? Did I say something to upset you? I’m always doing that, you know? Was it…
Oh! No Mr. President Trump! You say nothing bad, I just, uh…I like the nice place and nice weather is good and I like a hot babes! But I have a ugly haircut. Just one time I like a hot babe fuck me not because I am Glorious Leader of Peoples Republic. You big important man, you know what I mean, yes?
Kim. Kim, Kim, Kim….lemme tell you something, okay? I promise this is a secret just between us, okay? Because I like you Kim. I really, really like you. You’re okay. You see this? Up here, on top of my head?
Yes. You have a big-big hair.
That’s right Kim! And you know what else? Believe it or not Kim, there are actually some people who say that I, Donald J. Trump, have a bad haircut! Can you believe that? Me!? A bad haircut! It’s all those fake news, Kim. Hell they’re everywhere now! I found Jim Acosta in one of my wardrobe closets last week! That is one sick individual, that much I can tell you, okay?
Why you don’t just a kill him? We have a no sick individuals in Peoples Republic.
Well you know Kim, as much as I would like to things just don’t work that way in America. Besides, it’s much more fun to just fuck with him all the time! See Kim instead of just one state controlled media we have a shit ton, okay? I mean media in America is yuge, okay? And they all like making money. Their ratings were all going down, down….I mean seriously, Kim. Like right down into the toilet, okay? And then I come along and shazam! I saved all their asses!
What mean the shazam? I don’t hear this word before.
Oh right! You wouldn’t know, would you? I’m sorry, Kim….shazam is an expression from an old comic book character called Captain Marvel. You ever read comic books Kim? I recommend the Washington Post. Really, really great comics over there, that much I can tell you.
Ohh-Kay? But what mean “shazam”?
Shazam! You know, it’s like Eureka! Or Holy Shit!
Oh, Holy Shit, yes. I know this one. Ha-ha-ha! Mr. President Trump make a funny joke!
Ha-ha-ha! You like that one, did you? Oh geez, I got a million of them! Ha-ha-ha…..yeah, but seriously, Kim. Back to your hot babe problem. Sure, I get that. Look, Kim…when you’re rich and you’re famous? It’s like catnip for pussy. You gotta learn to just roll with it. Do you honestly think they really give a shit what you look like? Come on, Kim! Have you seen my wife? And she’s with me, Kim. Just think of that, huh? See you could be boning prime tail too. You’re a young man, in your prime! Hell when I was your age I was getting more ass than a toilet seat, that much I can tell you!
I think I like the Mar a Lago! But how I get hot babes in Peoples Republic?
One word for you, Kim: hotels. Lots and lots of hotels, okay? And all we gotta do, Kim, is figure out what we’re gonna do about all these nukes and missiles, okay? I mean if we can work that out then we’re talking the Pyongyang Trump Towers, Kim. It’ll fill up with Russian and Chinese oligarchs and they bring in harems of that hot east European tail.
We will work out plan to turn over all the weapons, but I still get to be supreme ruler of Peoples Republic.
Okay Kim, okay. But we gotta have all the stuff first, okay? I found out you’re holding out on us and it might not be too pretty, you know? I mean it could be really bad. Or… lots and lots of pussy. The choice is yours.
So it work to make more money for all people and they make and spend more then I make more, right?
That is exactly how it will work, Kim. Trust me, I think I know what I’m talking about, okay?
Oh! Oh! When I come at the Mar a Lago Mr. President Trump, will there be any hot Mexican babes? I want to try Mexican!
Oh, better than that, Kim. We’ll get you this nice Cuban girl I know, Carmen. Very, very nice girl. Really, really…..really great tits, you know? I mean those mamas are yuge! You’ll like her Kim.
And you think my haircut okay then?
Your haircut is fine Kim. Really. That much I can tell you, okay?
Any further discussions must remain classified. Ford Wenty report end, 9 Nov. 2018