High Tea with Carlton Milhouse

Greetings Comrades! Welcome to 2021! I trust you are all enjoying the glorious liberation? You had better answer yes if you know what’s good for you. ALL HAIL DEAR COMRADE LEADER, CHAIRMAN JO BI DENG!

It has been some time since I have been in touch with the Inn. Despite all of it’s trials and tribulations 2020 was a year that yielded a spectacular harvest. This is fortuitous, as business is currently brisk. So dear readers, though my absence from these pages has been long, I will not bore you with the details of how I spent 2020. You have by this time no doubt heard ample tales of woe from the age of the great pandemic. My tale would add nothing: I just remained busy. Now that Chairman Jo Bi Deng is leading the Great Liberation we must all look forward to brighter days ahead under His Benevolent Guidance.

I, Carlton Milhouse, do also wish to find unity and heal the divide that has torn this nation. In solidarity of spirit with our People’s Republic and the benign vision of Chairman Bi Deng, I do solemnly swear that the grow operations of Milhouse Farms will in 2021 cease all production of indica. We at Milhouse Farms believe that the most responsible thing that we may do for the success of Chairman Bi Deng’s first Five Year Plan is to dedicate our 2021 grow season to 100% sativa strains. As legalization grows all across this nation it is important that we do not again grow complacent to the insidious threat that still lives in our midst. As for other growers we will judge not for whatever course they may take, but at Milhouse Farms we are pledged to introducing just the right amount of paranoia to inspire the vigilance required to guard against the lingering threat of Trumpism. It is our patriotic duty. And it is just the right thing to do.

Of course at Millhouse Farms we have prided ourselves in being on the cutting edge of artisanal marijuana cultivation since 2006. We have always attempted to remain ahead of the curve and to that end we were able to begin with some laboratory prototypes in late summer 2020. By segregating a rogue strain of our proprietary blend Presidential Cheese (cannabis rex), cultivated in soil exclusively from Wuhan province and watered with a .5% adrenochrome solution, we are proud to announce the successful creation of our 2021 sativa: The Chairman’s Choice (sativus rex pupa).

We will be hosting a smokedown premiere event for the first public distribution of The Chairman’s Choice at the 4th Annual Hilltop Groundhog Lasagna Festival, to be held at the Confederate Cemetery on Sullivant Ave. on 2 February. The Festival opening ceremonies are slated for 4:20 AM.

Oh! I am also reminded that this year there is the first ever Groundhog Lasagna Queen Parade, honoring the 2021 title holder Ms. Karen Cox-Zucker of South Eureka.

Ms. Karen Cox-Zucker, 2021 Hilltop Groundhog Lasagna Queen

Okay. That’s all I got for ya sports fans. We’ll be in touch again some time before our Groundhog Day event. Until then, Blaze on Bi Deng!

Wait… what? Vol. Sixty-Super-Spectacular!

Writing is a lot like smoking weed. If you smoke the same strain all the time, you don’t get any higher by smoking more. You just get lower on weed.

Writing is the same, in that one has to have more than one voice. This is despite the fact that it is generally considered that “multiple voices” are sure sign of mental illness. One of these statements is true. Or both. I’m not certain that the two ideas are mutually exclusive.

 

Happy 420…20…20!

It is indeed 420. 4/20/2020, to be exact! We’d had hope that this would be a much larger celebration this year. Thirty days of 420 only comes around once! Alas, it is not to be and so we must celebrate together while we’re all apart. Our resident botanist, Carlton Milhouse, has composed some 420 thoughts for us this year. These are after the fashion of  T’was the night before Christmas. Carlton hopes you all enjoy it and all of us here at the Ale 81 Inn wish the very happiest of 420s to everyone!


 

T’was the eve of 420

T’was the eve of 420 and all through the land

Not a head shop was selling, for this act had been banned

The storefronts were shuttered by some governor’s plan

due to some virus; they say it came from Wuhan

The people were chastised and sent to their room

to prevent what was certain imminent doom

Like sheep they all went and meekly obeyed,

away to their homes and there they then stayed

It will be for a month, certainly no more than two,

or until we determine what the hell we’re to do

Now bring on that Fauci and that scarf lady too

We’re led to believe that they might have a clue,

but when one is a hammer then all is a nail

and this is where experts most often fail

For billions of dollars we bought Red China’s shill

We’re all still paying, but I doubt he ever will

With a sickening thud we have screeched to a halt

while media pundits seek to find fault

A banquet for jackals and vultures to dine

They don’t care about shutdowns, they’ll manage just fine

Now Wuhan! Now Corona! Now Covid 19!

Now shut it down! Shut it down! Mass quarantine

When government shuts down it’s the end of the world

Now that it’s our turn? Your true colors are unfurled

The networks persist in their daily charade,

never missing a chance for some point to be made

that has nothing to do with the crisis at hand,

almost as if they had this all planned

And oh! How the spending! Let’s break the bank

so when this is all over we’ll have you to thank

for tiding us over with this little loan

for this time off from work (through no fault of our own)

There are still special favors in the money they’ve spent

Your little tidbit is to buy your consent

The airlines and bankers again are in line

and just like the last time they’ll make out just fine

All that debt will be added to the burden we pay,

but somehow the fat cats will all skate away

Each relief package tied up with a bow

with motives as pure as the wind driven snow

So the stem of this pipe I hold tight in my teeth,

as the smoke encircles my head like a wreath,

because all papers are gone; there are none to be had

Since the head shops are all closed, it’s really quite sad

That last book of Zig-Zags was really quite dear

between rolls of Charmin for wiping my rear

Now we’ll scrimp and we’ll forage for each vital need,

all the while praying we don’t run out of weed

If things grow too desperate it wouldn’t be wrong

to smoke up your bud in a green apple bong

Still despite all of this madness and disarray

Snoop Dogg still came with his magical sleigh

So look in your yard, you may find something there

Because he didn’t make contact, he took special care

But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew out of sight

I’ll see ya’ll next year, ’cause this shit ain’t right!

 

Pencilneck Liar

 

Schiffbuttholeface

 

 

With our sincere apology to the Beatles, the following is set to the tune of Paperback Writer

 

 

 

 

Dear Hollywood: will you read my script

It took me hours to write, my name is Adam Schiff

It’s based on a wet dream of the DNC

and I’ll need a job when they learn that I’m the Pencilneck Liar

Pencilneck Liar

 

It’s a dirty story of an evil man

and his dumb supporters who don’t understand

that they’re too stupid to know their own good

It’s a thankless task, but it’s the job of a Pencilneck Liar

Pencilneck Liar

 

It’s ten-thousand pages, give or take a few

I’ll be writing more in a day or two

It can be more salacious if you feel the need

I can rewrite it all because you know that I’m the Pencilneck Liar

Pencilneck Liar

 

I’ll be super famous, sell Disney the rights

Do the world premiere in my circus tights

When this is over you won’t find me here

I’ll be in Hollywood or in prison, I’m the Pencilneck Liar

Pencilneck Liar

 

Pencilneck Liar

Pants are on fire

Pencilneck Liar

Pants are on fire

Pencilneck Liar