High Tea with Carlton Milhouse, edition 1

High Tea w Carlton Milhous

Yo! Everybodys out there! This is Carlton Milhouse, your botanist. We need to get H. John Benjamin to do that voice over for us. That would be cool. Arby’s, Archer, Bob’s Burgers and then us in perfect alphabetical order. 

Ok, so they’re like tellin’ me this is supposed to be like a weekly feature now, okay, but anyway if anybody is interested this is in fact the first edition of HIGH TEA , with me, Carlton Milhouse. Your botanist. In case you forgot that. This feature will post at 4PM Eastern US Standard time on Sundays. Makes it easy; only one day of the week you need to remember. That actually includes today, which is kinda fuckin’ weird……

So it’s like I just found out about this myself only this morning, you know. Like no pressure or anything, right? Ya got a few hours, yeah….I’m sure it’ll be fine. Here we go! I am celebrating High Tea this week at the hour of 4:20 with that lovely piece on my mantle, a fine vessel for one’s cuppa chronic. Earl Grey, no lemon and some East KY “Blue” grass. A little “wake and bake” for a cold winter afternoon on the eve of the eve of the new year. That’s like New Years Eve Eve, right. Somethin’ like that.

That will be our theme this week: THE YEAR END 

Now, what I like to do every year, about this time is like on New Years Eve, or New Years Eve Eve is, uh…put together a pair of tables, side by side, representing the categories of SUCK and NOT suck.  Below is an example:


                   SUCK                                                               NOT suck

          Diarrhea on stilts                                 Unsolicited sloppy wet blow jobs

Pinching your junk in a zipper                   The cop pursuing you blows a tire


Those are good examples for each category, things which universally do and do not suck. Okay? So, now what we’re going to do is form a set of tables for the year 2018. These will record items of suckage and non-suckage in their respective columns. I will open the tables with my observations and invite our readers to respond by comment with their own contributions. Next week, among other things that we might be doing, we’ll post the final results to determine: 2018, Suck or Not.


SUCK                                                                                      NOT suck

The national news media                                                Adult Swim


Loud mouthed braggart President                               Loud mouthed braggart President


Washington, DC                                                               successful 4th generation of hybrids

All of these fucking ads!

Facebook                                                                            Bartok the bat leaving as Atty Gen

The passing of Mark E. Smith                                         Business is good

The passing of Aretha Franklin                                      Tax cuts


Okay, well those are my big ones I guess. I’m sure there’s others, but come on! I only had a couple hours warning for this. These are things I can confidently say in my experience of 2018 were sucking and not sucking. Lets hear from our readers and find out next Sunday at 4:20…..

2018: SUCK OR NOT suck


So until then this is Carlton Milhouse, your botanist, saying Stay stoned my friends!


My Dog’s Thoughts on Pink Floyd

Not long ago I was introduced to a meditation channel.  It is not the sort of thing I would seek out on my own, but I actually sat and listened to it for a few minutes.  Within a very short time it had formed a reminiscence of the Pink Floyd song from their famed LP Ummagumma, Grantchester Meadows.  I then forced myself to sit and listen to some more of this channel.  I came to a conclusion.  Someone identified the need to create one of these channels (actually there are several) and there are people checking in. This can not be a bad thing if it leads to more people finding their chill and not being such colossal dicks all the time. Or…they could just listen to some Floyd!

There are certain standout pieces from the band’s portfolio which appear with regularity in my various playlists. Dark Side of the Moon in it’s entirety, of course, and select tracks from their other LPs. As I was caused to make a review of these I made a discovery that rather surprised me. There were no tracks from the Animals LP on any of the lists. Naturally my reaction was to cue it up and give it a listen.

The first time I ever heard anything from the album was quite probably some time in February of 1977. We were in the midst of what was up to that time the coldest winter of the twentieth century. In my bedroom above the garage I huddled about the heat register in the floor, a blanket wrapped around to contain the warm air. It was probably in this fashion that I sat huddled in the dark, next to a small radio and listened to a WCOL-FM DJ introduce Pigs (three different ones). Upon revisiting the full LP I am still of the opinion that this is indeed the most striking track of the album, both lyrically and musically.

Though it is hardly February and nowhere near to record-breaking cold temperatures, the change of season has brought with it no shortage of grey, miserably damp, chill days upon which to spend contemplating these weighty matters.  I happened to have at hand an intriguing new strain from my botanist, the Montana Flowering Dogweed, which I employed to good use for the occasion. Both were consumed in the dark, save for the light of the fire. Pink Floyd has always served as a fine soundtrack for any blaze.

For those who are unfamiliar, and those who may have simply forgotten, Pigs (three different ones) was on side two of the original vinyl. The lead off of the LP is the plaintive Pigs on the Wing, followed then by the stark and brooding piece Dogs. Perhaps it is somehow connected to that cold place where I first listened to this work, but I found that the song Dogs takes me to a very cold, dark and distant place.

Beginning at the 6:14 mark of side one there is a segment of about 45 seconds where there are the barks and howls of various hounds. Where I sat enjoying this my dog, Matthau, was at my feet and I noted his ears prick up slightly at this point. In the idle chatter one often engages with their pets I asked ” Well, old boy! Know what they’re saying, do you?” He gave me one of those looks, as dogs sometimes will, which seemed to question my sanity. He raised his massive head to snuff once at the smoke billowing from the glass bong and then rose from the floor to pad across the room and take a seat in the chair opposite. I wasn’t expecting an answer and his behavior, though somewhat odd, was not entirely out of the ordinary. Then he began to speak.

” The dogs, yes… they do go on there a bit, don’t they? Rather funny, that….”

He was sounding a bit like Alec Guinness. “Matthau? I didn’t know you could talk!”

“Of course I can speak, you pillock! I’m an English Mastiff, not some Neapolitan dullard!”

“No offense, Matthau! I just wonder why you waited until now!”

“It’s the Dogweed, old bean. Otherwise you’re too thick to hear it.”

“Is that it?”

“You have a better explanation?”

“I do not.”

“Well, there it is then.”

” I suppose you’re right, old boy. We’ll have to ask Carlton to get us some more of this soon. So what are those dogs saying anyway?”

“Oh they’re banging on about what worthless sods their agents were. Couldn’t even negotiate a reasonable royalties contract, could they?”

“Really? You’re having me on!”

“Am I? Perhaps you’d like corroboration from another hound?”

His point was well taken and I surely had no reason to doubt him. I have since learned of rumor that Roger Waters has advocated on behalf of the estates of these long departed canines. Mr. Waters has declined any comment upon the matter.


Notable Smokeables

InkedFat Turd_LI

Nobel Prize? Ok, I guess…

Inkedil papa_LI

Aaay, Frankie!










Baked on 1st and 2nd tour

Bat shit crazy

No! just bat shit crazy


Forgot to exhale




Who else belongs on this list? 









Say it ain’t so!

Summer 2018

A Smoking Bong report

by Carlton Milhouse


Boy did I have a fun summer! I have traveled, met new people and have sampled some great new strains. Some of these I would never have had the chance to try had it not been for being on the road. Way back in 1947-51, when Kerouac was on the road, that dude really got what it was all about. The Beat Generation understood and Kerouac, Ginsberg and Burroughs lived their lives complete against a backdrop of jazz, poetry and drug use. My own recent travels had less to do with jazz or poetry, though they do figure slightly in my tales. I too was on the road:  for the green!

Early this summer I discovered a strain in Montana that was, honest to God, covered in a fuzzy, pink and purple hair. That fellow botanist is deep in research developing the best “non-paranoia” strain ever created. He’s getting close because after lighting off some of this bud I was left feeling pink and purple. And quite fuzzy. I hope to have some more details to share with all of you stoners as this research progresses!

About a month later I came across a delightful home-grown strain in Yellow Springs, Ohio that was the deepest green I had ever seen, through and through. It was a green so rich I offered the suggestion of including Emerald somewhere in it’s name. The high was great! And it already had a name: Pine Cones. I had to admit the name suited it as it truly did taste like breathing in a pine forest, the high was so light! I laughed and made jokes, wanted to break into dance.

And when I saw that particular woman walking down the road… Oh, I won’t forget her any time soon! Dark hair and eyes, caramel skin and when we made eye contact? Lady, you know who you are and if you should read this please contact me. When our eyes met, if only for that instant, I had to fight every urge I had to grab her and cart her off to the nearest field for a little afternoon delight. In the Ohio Valley you are never far from a field somewhere.

Well I could act like every other casual tourist and give you a blow by blow account of my summer road trip, but what I’d rather discuss is travel itself from the perspective of the herbal tourist. In my lifetime I have traveled to three different continents. Most of my early travels were made during my studies. It was then, during my college days, that I first discovered this magnificent herb that the gods have blessed us with. I found it grown on all three of those continents, among those few things that nearly every place has in common. The best green I have ever smoked was a strain from Phuket, Thailand (or somewhere near there). The worst? Some nasty, dry, brown scrub I obtained in a little town outside of Paris. Ugh! Choked the shit out of me, gave me an instant headache and a sorry buzz that only lasted about 20 minutes. Kind of like the Colorado weed you find common these days. It costs a lot and leaves you wishing it had never been legalized! Damned commercialization! But that’s another discussion…

Travel changes people. Different people in many, many different ways. One thing that most can agree on is that travel grows the mind. That is if you let yourself go with the experience. Ninety percent of my travel has been solo, which is a definite plus. I have personally witnessed families traveling together in places like Venice and London who were obviously unhappy, stressing out and fighting like they were making a trip to the local mall back home. These poor souls have not given themselves a chance to fully immerse themselves into the experience.

Whether your travel is just stateside, like Kerouac, or put on your big boy pants and explore outside of the US, you have to give yourself to it. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t complain about the monkeys carrying on outside your room when you’re in Cambodia. Ask yourself, when am I ever going to have to worry about monkeys outside my window again?

And stoners? We are worldwide. We don’t look the same everywhere you go. You won’t find any tie-dyes or ponytails from the locals while relaxing in the Canary Islands, but the discerning stoner will find “that guy” (or gal, with any luck) who can hook you up. Like that red and golden bud that made me buzz all over, the one I obtained from that lovely dark brown girl who wanted to sing me Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door. In my travels I have learned that it is not only weed, but apparently Bob Dylan too, that is universal in it’s reach. 

The similarities between all people seems to be nearly as many and as amazing as all of our differences. And we all have something we can learn from each other. I spent a summer in Trieste, Italy, where I left my job bussing tables at two in the afternoon (along with the rest of the staff) to go and have a siesta for two hours before dinner service. I like that way of life. Rarely did I rest, though. During that period I had found a luscious, young Italian mother with cleavage to die for. The strain she sold was as rich, dark and decadent as her rich, full bosom. Many were those siestas that we spent smoking the rich, dark herb while she rode on top of me. Yeah, I really liked that way of life! But I digress…

So get out there now! I mean it, a personal note to my fellow stoners. For just a little while anyhow, put down that remote, put the bong in the sink to be cleaned and grab a few bags of Lays from the cupboard. It’s time to travel. Don’t worry about our little green friend: you’ll find it anywhere if you look. Maybe you don’t want to travel with your stash, depending on your mode of travel of course, but don’t let that stop you from adventure. Go on. Go. Get outta here! I’m serious!

This is Carlton your Botanist. Until next time….keep it niiiiiiiice!


The Smoking Bong

Hello! This is Carlton Milhouse, your botanist. Welcome to The Smoking Bong, a periodic review of Bud and all things related. The clock on my wall reads 4:20. Shall we begin?


Blue Globe

Spanning the globe…

    I pursued a career in the field of botany due to my love for all things Cannabis in nature. I am a true stoner, happily and shamelessly leading a true stoners life, but I’m legit, ya dig? I am not a burn out, nor am I an idiot. I work, I am intelligent, I pay my bills and I keep an immaculate home. All while completely baked, nearly every minute of every day.




…in the quest for bud!



Cannabis Sativa. I love the way it smells, the way it looks, the way it does that sexy, slow burn in the Sherlock bubbler pictured above (a very fine piece of glassware from the Mountain Jam Glass Company of Eugene, Oregon). Most of all I love the way it makes me feel. It keeps me sane in an insane world.

While The Smoking Bong will explore all things Cannabis, I do not wish that this become a forum of debate regarding legalization. When the voices backing legalization have moved away from a discussion centered around decriminalization, to plans for commercialization and revenue stream, well… Friends, sad to tell you, when that is where the conversation begins the debate is already lost. I reject their terms and I refute their laws. Let’s keep the politics out of play here.

I shall regale you with Bud and bong reviews, tales from deep within the stoner culture (all names changed, of course, to protect the innocent). The music, the munchies, the cartoons, stoner films new and old; in general getting baked while having a few really good discussions. There is a clock in my home that is permanently set at 4:20. That’s because any hour of the day can be…



Wait….  What?