High Tea with Carlton Milhouse, edition 6

High Tea w Carlton Milhous

 

If it is Sunday (and it is) and the clock on the wall says 4:20 (and it does), then it is time for High Tea, with me, Carlton Milhouse. Your botanist. So prepare your tea and your greenery and….

Let us begin. Back to the Earl Grey and little throwback to some gold shake this week, an unpretentious cut from the eastern slope named Don’t have to be Green to be Mean. How are things for ya out there in Stoner Nation? Ya’ll got yer bake on? I do, so….

Don’t have a theme in mind this week so I’m just gonna spitball here. Somewhere in the process maybe we’ll find a theme. Or we won’t. Some random observations. Go to a city, any city of say at least a million population or more. Drive around town, not on the freeways, but through the city from neighborhood to neighborhood. You notice a certain thing.

When you get down in the inner city, any city now, compared to the neatly lined symmetry and strip malls of the suburbs, the landscape grows ugly. Not ugly, but chaotic, unkempt. These are the communities where the working classes and the dependent classes coexist. It’s not about race, but it is a fact that ethnic minorities constitute a higher percentage of the population in these areas. These are not “black” neighborhoods any more man! All us poor motherfuckers livin’ up in here! These neighborhoods are populated by a socio-economic class, irrespective of race. It is a class that is, whatever the reasons, for the most part not in an upwardly mobile trajectory. If you pull into a gas station in one of these neighborhoods, whether you purchase product or not, they do NOT want you the customer to use their precious restroom. Down here, where everybody already ” in da shit “? Yeah, we don’t want no more. Keep your shit and piss to yourself.

You wanna pull in to the same chain of gas stations, out in suburbia. In suburbia their shit doesn’t stink. At least that’s what they think. They are mostly full of shit, but because it’s their own they are unable to smell it. So come on in to our gas stations with working air pumps, emptied garbage cans and clean white floors. Hell! You don’t even have to buy anything. Come and drop your deuces and piss to your bladder’s content. Our plumbing can take it. No one here actually ever takes a shit at work. Eww!

It’s true. It’s all true. Go and test it yourself. And be smart Stoner! Do your homework. Find out where the asshole jurisdictions are to be sure you’re not holdin’.

Okay….that didn’t get us anywhere, did it? I mean theme wise. Where do ya go from that, right? Let’s see……segue, segue…..umm. Nope. Got nothin’!

So here’s my other weird shit from this week. A lot of us in Stoner Nation keep odd hours, whether because of our habit or our work hours. How many of you have ever listened to Coast to Coast AM? This is an overnight radio program begun by the legendary UFOlogist Art Bell and currently steered in the able hands of George Noori.

The other morning I’m up and out in my car at 4:00 AM. Switch on the radio at the top of the hour to catch any news broadcast and I left it on. Then it rolls into Coast AM….. what a fucking freak show! I guess it was like open phones night and I’m listening to this dude go into some real grade A bull shit. He was “speaking to us” from his humanoid form, a being from the Pleiades star system sent to warn us of our impending insect apocalypse. According to said “being” we were driving all of the insects on this planet to extinction with our permeation of the airwaves with cellular systems. We are literally “frying” all of their “tiny little antennae”. Then it got really weird, followed on by a response call from a self described Klingon born-again christian. Apparently there is some kind of universal Klingon political apparatus which has drafted their rebuttal for any public proclamation. He was prepared to provide us, the shocked and awed listeners, with the official biblical interpretation of what the previous caller had just said.

It’s true. It’s all true. Wish I had a recording. You had to be there. Come on, man! It’s 4:00 in the fucking morning, you’re out for a ride, you got your bake on…..and then you’re hearing this? In another time this could have incited a War of the Worlds type incident. What if other civilizations are listening to any of these broadcasts? Will there be a “holy shit! They’re onto us!” ?

We are truly enjoying an advanced standard of living when there are people like this sitting up at night to call in to these programs. And there are advertisers that pay for the program. And suckers like me, out there listening as I enjoy my 4:20 AM bowl. It’s been on a long time. They probably reached their apex under Art Bell during the X-Files years. It’s mostly harmless and mildly amusing stuff, until you begin to consider this: some of these people may actually be out during the daylight, driving on your roads. What the fuck happens if you’re out there and one of these inter-dimensional dipshits suddenly gets beamed back to the Mother Ship? You think that car is gonna drive itself?

Still no closer to a theme, are we? That’s what a good bake will do for you! Brilliantly random, not randomly brilliant. Or was that the other way around? Well at any rate this has been a truly high tea. Kudos to the Don’t have to be Green to be Mean!

Join us next week when we will live stream an actual human sacrifice. Or we’ll visit a mattress factory. I’m not sure yet. Until next time, stay stoned my friends!

My tea at 4:00

Got my 4:00 cuppa

Tea wi’ me friend Carlton

We celebrate The Fall in winter

through the years

til High Tea at 4:20

We blaze up his latest concoction

Me, Carlton and Mark E.

Let the Undilutable Slang Truth Live!

High Tea with Carlton Milhouse, edition 2

High Tea w Carlton Milhous

Greetings all. This is High Tea with Carlton Milhouse. Your botanist. This is our second edition of High Tea and this week I am much better prepared. So please prepare your tea and your greenery and we’ll begin.

As for myself today I will be partaking of a lovely sativa, Stardog G-13. I have absolutely no idea what Stardog G-13 is supposed to mean, or if it is even supposed to mean anything at all, but….I can tell you it’s some good shit. Now from our rather impromptu inaugural outing last week we posed the question: 2018 SUCK or NOT suck. This week’s edition will complete the theme and hopefully answer the question. About sucking. Or not.

I had provided just my initial, gut responses in both categories of things which did or did not suck about 2018. When you look at my list from last week there is a mix in both categories of things that were just general, as in public matters, or more personal in that it only related to my own experience. In the responses received from some of our readers I noted a similar mix. I also noted that the balance of the general/personal responses told an awful lot about those giving the response.

One of the most striking responses provided came from a reader named Frank. Under the SUCK category Frank listed pain. All of it; his personal physical and emotional pain, that of others near to him and the pain in the plight of humanity globally.  Frank, I dig where you are coming from, but brother you are carrying a heavy load. So we’ll talk about it. When we come back later for the extended edition of High Tea.

It’s 4:20!

one NFL Wild Card Round playoff game later….

Okay, so it is now later. Uh, full disclosure….I was better prepared this week, but being a lifelong Packers fan I could not fail in my duty to cheer the demise of those no-goodniks from Chicago. Now we also have Celestial Wilde in the house. Celeste, why don’t you say hello to all dem good peoples?

Hello good peoples.

Thanks for joining us this evening. So what do you think about this Stardog? Are you stoned?

Baked to a crackly crunch my friend.

That’s what I like to hear. Okay, so Celeste? We are definitely going to talk some more later. Can you hang around with us?

Will there be green?

Yes. Plenty of green.

Okay, I’m down. Go.

Alright, so we’ll pick up on our final verdict for 2018 then. I mentioned earlier the differences in the balance of personal and general responses. This was true in both the suck and no suck categories and no matter how I have come at this thing, it keeps coming back to a judgement not of the year, rather of the respondents. And it made me think more about my own initial reactions to the question.So lets review some of the responses and then I want to come back to our friend Frank.

Last week I listed my top suck entries as: the national news media, a loud mouthed braggart president, Washington DC, all of these fucking ads!, Facebook and the passing of both Mark E. Smith and Aretha Franklin. The first four are clearly general things which affect a lot of people, not just me. The last two are also general in the sense that I am hardly the only person who laments the passing of those two great artists. I will still, however, consider these as being personal in nature because there has been a personal severance between the artist and my appreciation for them and their work. Facebook? Same thing really. They undoubtedly suck, but that is true for many besides myself. It is a personal choice for me: I simply don’t participate in Facebook.

Now in the non suck column I listed: Adult Swim, a loud mouthed braggart president, a successful fourth generation of hybrids,Bartok the Bat (Jeff Sessions) leaving as US AG, business is good and finally tax cuts. For starters: Adult Swim. What else really needs to be said? It’s a personal thing, but there are millions of us. Okay, well….at least a few hundred thousand. The prez….again. Again, its a general thing and it is both suck and non suck. It only depends who you ask. The successful fourth generation of hybrids Blue Velvet, The Presidential Cheese and Flowering Dogweed are all great personal accomplishments in my own endeavors. Sessions leaving is another general thing and it definitely does NOT suck that he is leaving. An attorney general who insists on carrying on the bull shit war on drugs status quo while sitting on his hands over real crimes in Washington? Good riddance! Finally on the last pair, the economy and tax cuts, these are both general. I can say unreservedly though that on a personal level I have certainly benefited.

Even though some of the things listed are indisputably general in nature, when the reasoning for entering the case is based upon personal affect this makes four of the six. In the suck category the general category dominated with four of seven.

We found some trends of a similar nature in our responses. A representative sampling of our top ten:

Jeff –  Jeff’s submission was a list of things that did NOT suck only. All of these were personal. Jeff is from the Midwest

Cliff – Cliff’s submission was a list of things that all sucked. All of these were general. Cliff is from North Jersey/NYC Metro

Junior –  Junior submitted a nearly unintelligible tangent from which we could find two things that he apparently believes suck. Project cost overruns in the state of California and Trump. Junior lives on a Unicorn farm outside of San Diego.

Michael –  Only submitted a suck vote and it was an individual – no, it was not Trump. We think Michael was just trying to be funny

The OG –  Oggie is from the UK. His suck list was primarily the loss of artists, Brexit and Trump. His non suck list was all personal successes of the year

Leroy – Leroy thought the major suckage for 2018 was the #MeToo movement and the stock market. Non suck was? The jobs market/economy.  Leroy is from Illinois.

Mustafa –  Mustafa gave us a full list of both suck and non suck and all of his were general in nature. Cryptocurrency and the political process in general were all suckers in his book, and his non suck entries were also regarding policy matters, in particular withdrawal from various conflicts. Mustafa is from the desert southwest.

Jim –  Not sure where Jim is from but he is a member in good standing of Stoner Nation. Jim’s suck list was all general including the political process, disasters and war. Jim’s not suck list involved retirement, arts and entertainment on a personal level and a Democrat victory in the House elections as a more general thing

I’m winding down here and I’m going to come to the aforementioned Frank as part of our conclusion, but as promised we are going to get some input from Celeste.

Ok,ok, Carlton, you get me here, you get me stoned as fuck then ask me to think?!? Thanks a lot my friend, but ok, here goes. I personally worked way too much in 2018, missed my entire summer….not even one chance to go skinny dipping, so yeah, that sucked big balls.  On a positive note Kieth Richards and Bob Dylan made it through another 365 days…..kids these days don’t realize how important of a thing that is….but that is a whole different conversation….spark up another bowl Carlton, mamas on a roll…..

Legalization in North America made great strides in 2018. Ten states made marijuana legal this year. I personally was shocked by the Vermont legalization, suddenly makes me want to go there, even though its really cold. That can be seen only as a NOT suck very much. Even if you are not lucky enough to live in a state that has recently legalized, there is a movement afoot. It is now a conversation that people are willing to have, as opposed to the days and times that created classic films like ,”Refer Madness”, no one misses those good old days. So broad spread legalization, and forward movement on socially accepted cannabis use, not suck…

I personally hit a milestone birthday this year, not gonna say which one, but its a biggie. Its a suck/ not suck…..glad to have been given so many fine years  to party with all of you and see the awesome strides that have been made in the strength and potency of marijuana, thank you Carlton. But do keep working on that strain that completely gets rid of the paranoia thing, Ill keep the munchies, but that other part can go.

Damn dude…Im fucking baked…what were we talking about?

Oh yeah, suck and not suck….I did some sucking in 2018, but not in Seattle. Do you know that 2018 was the year that Seattle Washington made plastic straws illegal? Are you fucking kidding me? Obviously none of you have ever worked in a restaurant before. I don’t know who used this cup/glass before me, and I’ve seen the care and time that an angry dishwasher takes during a Saturday night rush, and you want me to put my bare lips on that? I’d rather suck Trump’s dick, and don’t nobody know where that thing has been. The only way it is hygienically safe to do away with plastic straws is to start serving all drinks in disposable cups, and now we have just added to the nightmare that all you Eco warriors live in on a daily basis…must suck to be you. I’m going out now and buying a case of plastic straws before they are illegal. I like to go out to dine, but am not willing to take my life in  my own hands to do so. How about I just avoid Seattle for a while…..

Speaking of sucking…no Carlton, you are not getting that lucky, but why don’t you load up the gravitation bong whilst I reminisce about 2018…..Not as many sexual partners as I would have liked there to be, 2017 was a banner year for me. I guess I can chalk that up to the work thing again……………..

What was I saying…..oh yeah…is that thing ready to hit yet, Ill give you folks back to Carlton while I amend my fading buzz….hope you all  have a great 2019, get stoned, get laid, and don’t get too worked up over the dumb shit that you can’t control anyhow…talk to you all later, over and out…..

Oo-kay. So you’re kinda falling into line with the trend then. That is to say that your overall list is pretty much a mix of general and personal things. The general things fall mostly in the suck category while the personal things tend to reside in the NOT suck category.

Ummm……Yes?

What, you’re not sure?

What?

Exactly.  Some people only see what sucks. Some people only see what doesn’t. Most people see both and have somehow sorted out what they have control over and what they do not. The things we can’t control, things outside of our direct lives are the things that seem to be sucking the most.

Our friend Frank has determined the major suckage to be in pain. Physical, emotional pain of his own and those close to him. He did not take time to identify other specific phenomenon or individuals to place them in his suck column. Maybe he’s figured out that if you take the pain away the other things wouldn’t really matter. And Frank went on to share with us his NOT suck list. Anybody want to take a guess? Well here it is: a good job, a good bonus (twice!), locating a source for cheap health care and….the priceless gift of a hand made mandolin from a friend.

Frank, who happens to be a deep thinker and very spiritual individual, concluded by saying this: ” Those who express gratitude for the little things create an atmosphere to welcome more good.”  Sounds like good advice, Frank. Thanks for that.

So. Conclusion time. To answer the question, 2018: SUCK or NOT suck ? Neither. Years are just years, each eerily similar to the one before it.  Years don’t suck or not suck. People do. There is only one thing that will end that. All you people out there doing shit that sucks? STOP IT! Okay?

That’s all the time we have for this week. Until next time this is Carlton Milhouse, your botanist. Stay stoned my friends!