My endorsement for the honest politician

In the ugly and crowded field of 2020 presidential contenders the most monumental task is in deciding which of these to despise the most.  We have entered the phase where the pretenders, the Quixotic warriors, have begun to exit the field. Some go in shame, while others depart as they entered: completely unnoticed. Politics is an ugly business. It attracts the worst among us and it brings out the worst in us. In presidential election years this is magnified ten-if-not-twenty fold.

I make observations and often share my criticisms. One would scour my catalogue long and hard to find an occasion where I have lavished praise upon any candidate. The search would be fruitless. While I may favor the positions taken by one side or another on a case by case basis, I have no affiliation with either of the two primary parties. I firmly believe that political parties are inherently evil, and yes, some more evil than others. In the few too many decades I have spent on this planet, there has yet to be a politician who has provided me with a suitable explanation of why the fuck I require governing.

I have recently stumbled upon an obscure, independent presidential candidate. He is a completely self-absorbed narcissist, completely void of principle or core conviction. He would lie, cheat and steal, even pimp his own mother to win an election. Indeed, a misanthrope of monumental magnitude; a man who, were he in possession of any scruples, they would most certainly belong to someone else. These are all top calibre qualities for anyone to succeed in politics, yet sadly few will ever even hear of this man. Despite the gift of all these stellar qualities this man has one fatal shortcoming: he is honest.

An honest politician? Preposterous you say? Well, what follows here is the candidate’s own press release to announce his campaign:

This is to announce the candidacy for the president of the United States of Mr. Ralph Nota. Mr. Nota is running under the banner of the Go Fuck Yourself Party. Here is, in his own words, the campaign manifesto

” Hi, I’m Ralph Nota and I’m running for president. I’m here to bathe in your fawning adulation. I won’t ask how any of you are doing because, well… I really don’t give a shit. Okay, so here’s the deal. I’m part of a mob who’s looking to throw out the current mob. Things aren’t gonna be one bit different for you, you’re not important. What is important is that my mob gets control so we can take care of ourselves and put the other mob in jail. Or kill ’em, whichever is easier to clean up. So we’re gonna need your money and your vote because you just can’t vote for that other guy. He’s terrible, right? Come on! Don’t you listen to the news? A vote for Ralph Nota assures that for the next four years I will wipe my ass daily with the US Constitution and pretend that all you motherfuckers don’t even exist. My economic plan is to cash in early and often. All you motherfuckers are on your own, except for the crumbs we’ll allow you to keep. We’ll do just enough to keep you on that government teat so you won’t wander off of the plantation. We’ll pass more laws for you to obey and for us to break with impunity. Then we’ll come back here in four years and do it all again. We’ll have some new bogeyman or shiny object to distract your attention from any substantive matters, and you will thank us for it. Because you’re all dumbasses and I’m better than you are. That’s why I should be president. Fuck you all and thanks for your support.”

 

There it is folks. This guy doesn’t have a prayer, but hell! At least he’s honest.

 

Wait… what? Vol. 49

The official results of the Iowa democrat party caucuses are in!

 

Nothing to see here folks! Go on home, the excitement is already over. The Russians aren’t involved. Now it’s the Mongolians. Nothing to fear. The children at the DNC have got a handle on it. Everyone gets a trophy, so we all win! Yay!