High Tea with Carlton Milhouse, Edition 3

High Tea w Carlton Milhous

 

Good afternoon! The clock on the wall says it’s 4:20. If it’s Sunday that means it is High Tea with me, Carlton Milhouse. Your botanist. So, if you haven’t already, prepare your tea and your greenery and we shall begin.

Last week I had the good fortune to be joined by Celestial Wilde and we completed the High Tea recap of 2018. Our final conclusion was….meh. This week, however, I am solo in studio and am partaking of some Evergreen Dream. This is a delightful sativa in a nearly emerald green fluff with hints of balsam and cedar. It’s a real Rocky Mountain high. After sampling some it put me in mind of some Rocky Mountain history and some of my earliest encounters with Ford Wenty, the Ale 81 Inn field correspondent.

I first met Ford a little over ten years ago when my botanical enterprises were still in their infancy. In those years I regularly made the long runs from northern New Mexico, through Colorado and on, all the way to Montana and back again. We first became acquainted through an associate of mine, Javier, under less than conventional circumstances. Not at any time since can I say that any subsequent encounters with the man have even approached conventional.

He no longer travels as extensively as he once did. I did have occasion to meet with him fairly recently, however, at an “undisclosed” location. I’m going to take advantage of this edition of High Tea to share with you my lasting takeaway from the latest encounter.

I met him at the agreed upon hour at a park and ride lot for ride sharing, right off of the interstate. There were no other vehicles in the small gravel lot but his nondescript rental sedan. I pulled up beside him, shut off the engine and locked up as I got out to head to the passenger door of his car. The windows were all up, tinted to reveal nothing, but the aroma of weed was unmistakable. As anticipated I was greeted with a sweet cloud upon opening the door and getting in.

Most people are afraid of this man. It gives some hope for the human race to know this: maybe some people have more sense than we give them credit for. He scares me. Still. Not in a Freddy Krueger or homicidal killer in the room sort of way. It’s the unpredictability of the man. Sadly this trait is exhibited very strongly in his driving, but our ride that day was relatively short.

We were headed to a breakfast diner, fifteen miles or so away. On the way he smoked me up with some premium bud and launched right into a really strange topic. This is one of those disturbing elements about Ford. Often meeting with him, especially for strangers who have not been introduced previously, there is the absence of any of the traditional niceties or introductions. He proceeds directly into whatever occupies the front of his mind at the time. If you have known him a while you must always be prepared that he may resume some conversation that he may have had with you weeks or even months before. This fortunately wasn’t the case on this trip, but even in his most lucid moments Ford can be difficult to follow.

“Hey Carlton! You know anything about silent films?”

“Uhh…a little bit. I guess.”

“Okay. You ever heard of Sergei Eisenstein?”

“Uh, no. That’s not one I know. I know a couple of the really old German ones, you know, like Nosferatu and Metropolis. And like old Charlie Chaplin movies, but no. Never heard of that dude.”

“Yeah, Eisenstein was like the Soviet Union’s Leni Riefenstahl…”

“Who?”

“Oh…never mind. He was a propaganda filmmaker for the Soviets.”

“Okay, what about him?”

“Back in the mid to late eighties Laurie Anderson did a brilliant multi-media arts presentation adapting Eisenstein’s famous film The Battleship Potemkin. You should check it out. Sure you can find it on the web somewhere.”

“Which?”

“What?”

“I mean which one, the Laurie Anderson thing or the actual movie?”

“Oh, uh…the Laurie Anderson thing, but yeah…the movie too. Yeah we are approaching a Battleship Potemkin moment, Carlton. You know that, right?”

He gave me one of those looks over his glasses that really makes me nervous. I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about and so I did, as I have done before in these cases, simply nod, laugh nervously and agree with it. Whatever it is. “Yup. Heh-heh….sure are.”

When we got to the diner Ford ordered his usual special, Heart Attack on a Plate, with two eggs, hash browns, bacon and biscuits: all smothered in sausage gravy. Service was fast and the chow was good. We were completely baked so almost anything would have been good, but this place like most that he seems to find was a jewel. Over breakfast he shared with me his latest project.

“I’m doing a study on tolerance.”

“Tolerance?”

“Yeah, tolerance. What does it actually mean? How are we defining it? You know, because it seems like the definition is changing. Either that or there are a lot of people misusing the term.”

“Okay, Ford. How do you mean?”

“Right. Let’s just take this diner as an example. Fifty years ago a patron here complained to the owner because he allowed blacks to sit at the counter. The customer was very loud about it too, you know. He was almost shouting Hey, I don’t wanna have to sit next to no fuckin’ niggers. The owner says, alright asshole! Get outta my store! Yay! Everybody cheers.”

He paused here to doctor the refill on his coffee. I didn’t say a word. I knew he wasn’t done.

“Then thirty years ago everybody starts whining about second hand smoke. The owner tells all his smoking customers , Nope! Sorry, can’t smoke here anymore. Yay! Everybody cheers. Twenty years ago? A customer starts bitching because the owner has allowed one of those faggot couples into  the diner. The dumbass is wailing, Yer goin’ to hell for lettin’ them faggots come in here! The owner says, you get the hell out of my store! Yay! Everybody cheers.”

Another pause there, for emphasis? I guess?

“Ten years ago…..you get one of these painfully obvious transgenders. Wants to use the ladies room, right? Shouldn’t be a big deal, you know, but some patrons had to make a fuss over it. What does the owner do? He brands the complainers as haters and he tells ’em they can leave too. Yay! Everybody cheers.”

Ford stopped here and proceeded to attack the remainder of his plate with vigor. After several minutes he gave no sign of resuming his rant. I was left to form my own conclusions, which is often the case with Ford. I am usually more confused than when the conversation began, only slowly beginning to understand later what he may have been saying.

A burly looking character emerged from the back of the kitchen hailing Ford at the counter. Ford responded and the two chatted for a couple of minutes. No introductions were offered, but I gathered from the brief exchange that he was speaking with the owner and that this was actually the establishment’s last day in business. A short time later Ford settled the bill and with no lingering sentiment or long goodbyes we left the diner. I still wasn’t certain what all that had been about in there. Once seated back in the car Ford concluded.

” A few months ago a customer came into that diner wearing a MAGA hat. The owner got really pissed off and insisted that the customer leave.”

He stopped there, but that didn’t fit with the rest of the narrative. So I volunteered ” Yay! Everybody cheered?”

“No Carlton, not this time. There just wasn’t anybody left to cheer. This tolerance is a funny thing, you know?”

I think I know what he meant, but I’ve been wrong before. Maybe some of you have ideas of your own. Let us hear what you think.

Well, that’s our High Tea for this week. Until next time, I’m Carlton Milhouse, your botanist. Stay stoned my friends!

High Tea with Carlton Milhouse, edition 2

High Tea w Carlton Milhous

Greetings all. This is High Tea with Carlton Milhouse. Your botanist. This is our second edition of High Tea and this week I am much better prepared. So please prepare your tea and your greenery and we’ll begin.

As for myself today I will be partaking of a lovely sativa, Stardog G-13. I have absolutely no idea what Stardog G-13 is supposed to mean, or if it is even supposed to mean anything at all, but….I can tell you it’s some good shit. Now from our rather impromptu inaugural outing last week we posed the question: 2018 SUCK or NOT suck. This week’s edition will complete the theme and hopefully answer the question. About sucking. Or not.

I had provided just my initial, gut responses in both categories of things which did or did not suck about 2018. When you look at my list from last week there is a mix in both categories of things that were just general, as in public matters, or more personal in that it only related to my own experience. In the responses received from some of our readers I noted a similar mix. I also noted that the balance of the general/personal responses told an awful lot about those giving the response.

One of the most striking responses provided came from a reader named Frank. Under the SUCK category Frank listed pain. All of it; his personal physical and emotional pain, that of others near to him and the pain in the plight of humanity globally.  Frank, I dig where you are coming from, but brother you are carrying a heavy load. So we’ll talk about it. When we come back later for the extended edition of High Tea.

It’s 4:20!

one NFL Wild Card Round playoff game later….

Okay, so it is now later. Uh, full disclosure….I was better prepared this week, but being a lifelong Packers fan I could not fail in my duty to cheer the demise of those no-goodniks from Chicago. Now we also have Celestial Wilde in the house. Celeste, why don’t you say hello to all dem good peoples?

Hello good peoples.

Thanks for joining us this evening. So what do you think about this Stardog? Are you stoned?

Baked to a crackly crunch my friend.

That’s what I like to hear. Okay, so Celeste? We are definitely going to talk some more later. Can you hang around with us?

Will there be green?

Yes. Plenty of green.

Okay, I’m down. Go.

Alright, so we’ll pick up on our final verdict for 2018 then. I mentioned earlier the differences in the balance of personal and general responses. This was true in both the suck and no suck categories and no matter how I have come at this thing, it keeps coming back to a judgement not of the year, rather of the respondents. And it made me think more about my own initial reactions to the question.So lets review some of the responses and then I want to come back to our friend Frank.

Last week I listed my top suck entries as: the national news media, a loud mouthed braggart president, Washington DC, all of these fucking ads!, Facebook and the passing of both Mark E. Smith and Aretha Franklin. The first four are clearly general things which affect a lot of people, not just me. The last two are also general in the sense that I am hardly the only person who laments the passing of those two great artists. I will still, however, consider these as being personal in nature because there has been a personal severance between the artist and my appreciation for them and their work. Facebook? Same thing really. They undoubtedly suck, but that is true for many besides myself. It is a personal choice for me: I simply don’t participate in Facebook.

Now in the non suck column I listed: Adult Swim, a loud mouthed braggart president, a successful fourth generation of hybrids,Bartok the Bat (Jeff Sessions) leaving as US AG, business is good and finally tax cuts. For starters: Adult Swim. What else really needs to be said? It’s a personal thing, but there are millions of us. Okay, well….at least a few hundred thousand. The prez….again. Again, its a general thing and it is both suck and non suck. It only depends who you ask. The successful fourth generation of hybrids Blue Velvet, The Presidential Cheese and Flowering Dogweed are all great personal accomplishments in my own endeavors. Sessions leaving is another general thing and it definitely does NOT suck that he is leaving. An attorney general who insists on carrying on the bull shit war on drugs status quo while sitting on his hands over real crimes in Washington? Good riddance! Finally on the last pair, the economy and tax cuts, these are both general. I can say unreservedly though that on a personal level I have certainly benefited.

Even though some of the things listed are indisputably general in nature, when the reasoning for entering the case is based upon personal affect this makes four of the six. In the suck category the general category dominated with four of seven.

We found some trends of a similar nature in our responses. A representative sampling of our top ten:

Jeff –  Jeff’s submission was a list of things that did NOT suck only. All of these were personal. Jeff is from the Midwest

Cliff – Cliff’s submission was a list of things that all sucked. All of these were general. Cliff is from North Jersey/NYC Metro

Junior –  Junior submitted a nearly unintelligible tangent from which we could find two things that he apparently believes suck. Project cost overruns in the state of California and Trump. Junior lives on a Unicorn farm outside of San Diego.

Michael –  Only submitted a suck vote and it was an individual – no, it was not Trump. We think Michael was just trying to be funny

The OG –  Oggie is from the UK. His suck list was primarily the loss of artists, Brexit and Trump. His non suck list was all personal successes of the year

Leroy – Leroy thought the major suckage for 2018 was the #MeToo movement and the stock market. Non suck was? The jobs market/economy.  Leroy is from Illinois.

Mustafa –  Mustafa gave us a full list of both suck and non suck and all of his were general in nature. Cryptocurrency and the political process in general were all suckers in his book, and his non suck entries were also regarding policy matters, in particular withdrawal from various conflicts. Mustafa is from the desert southwest.

Jim –  Not sure where Jim is from but he is a member in good standing of Stoner Nation. Jim’s suck list was all general including the political process, disasters and war. Jim’s not suck list involved retirement, arts and entertainment on a personal level and a Democrat victory in the House elections as a more general thing

I’m winding down here and I’m going to come to the aforementioned Frank as part of our conclusion, but as promised we are going to get some input from Celeste.

Ok,ok, Carlton, you get me here, you get me stoned as fuck then ask me to think?!? Thanks a lot my friend, but ok, here goes. I personally worked way too much in 2018, missed my entire summer….not even one chance to go skinny dipping, so yeah, that sucked big balls.  On a positive note Kieth Richards and Bob Dylan made it through another 365 days…..kids these days don’t realize how important of a thing that is….but that is a whole different conversation….spark up another bowl Carlton, mamas on a roll…..

Legalization in North America made great strides in 2018. Ten states made marijuana legal this year. I personally was shocked by the Vermont legalization, suddenly makes me want to go there, even though its really cold. That can be seen only as a NOT suck very much. Even if you are not lucky enough to live in a state that has recently legalized, there is a movement afoot. It is now a conversation that people are willing to have, as opposed to the days and times that created classic films like ,”Refer Madness”, no one misses those good old days. So broad spread legalization, and forward movement on socially accepted cannabis use, not suck…

I personally hit a milestone birthday this year, not gonna say which one, but its a biggie. Its a suck/ not suck…..glad to have been given so many fine years  to party with all of you and see the awesome strides that have been made in the strength and potency of marijuana, thank you Carlton. But do keep working on that strain that completely gets rid of the paranoia thing, Ill keep the munchies, but that other part can go.

Damn dude…Im fucking baked…what were we talking about?

Oh yeah, suck and not suck….I did some sucking in 2018, but not in Seattle. Do you know that 2018 was the year that Seattle Washington made plastic straws illegal? Are you fucking kidding me? Obviously none of you have ever worked in a restaurant before. I don’t know who used this cup/glass before me, and I’ve seen the care and time that an angry dishwasher takes during a Saturday night rush, and you want me to put my bare lips on that? I’d rather suck Trump’s dick, and don’t nobody know where that thing has been. The only way it is hygienically safe to do away with plastic straws is to start serving all drinks in disposable cups, and now we have just added to the nightmare that all you Eco warriors live in on a daily basis…must suck to be you. I’m going out now and buying a case of plastic straws before they are illegal. I like to go out to dine, but am not willing to take my life in  my own hands to do so. How about I just avoid Seattle for a while…..

Speaking of sucking…no Carlton, you are not getting that lucky, but why don’t you load up the gravitation bong whilst I reminisce about 2018…..Not as many sexual partners as I would have liked there to be, 2017 was a banner year for me. I guess I can chalk that up to the work thing again……………..

What was I saying…..oh yeah…is that thing ready to hit yet, Ill give you folks back to Carlton while I amend my fading buzz….hope you all  have a great 2019, get stoned, get laid, and don’t get too worked up over the dumb shit that you can’t control anyhow…talk to you all later, over and out…..

Oo-kay. So you’re kinda falling into line with the trend then. That is to say that your overall list is pretty much a mix of general and personal things. The general things fall mostly in the suck category while the personal things tend to reside in the NOT suck category.

Ummm……Yes?

What, you’re not sure?

What?

Exactly.  Some people only see what sucks. Some people only see what doesn’t. Most people see both and have somehow sorted out what they have control over and what they do not. The things we can’t control, things outside of our direct lives are the things that seem to be sucking the most.

Our friend Frank has determined the major suckage to be in pain. Physical, emotional pain of his own and those close to him. He did not take time to identify other specific phenomenon or individuals to place them in his suck column. Maybe he’s figured out that if you take the pain away the other things wouldn’t really matter. And Frank went on to share with us his NOT suck list. Anybody want to take a guess? Well here it is: a good job, a good bonus (twice!), locating a source for cheap health care and….the priceless gift of a hand made mandolin from a friend.

Frank, who happens to be a deep thinker and very spiritual individual, concluded by saying this: ” Those who express gratitude for the little things create an atmosphere to welcome more good.”  Sounds like good advice, Frank. Thanks for that.

So. Conclusion time. To answer the question, 2018: SUCK or NOT suck ? Neither. Years are just years, each eerily similar to the one before it.  Years don’t suck or not suck. People do. There is only one thing that will end that. All you people out there doing shit that sucks? STOP IT! Okay?

That’s all the time we have for this week. Until next time this is Carlton Milhouse, your botanist. Stay stoned my friends!

 

 

 

High Tea with Carlton Milhouse, edition 1

High Tea w Carlton Milhous

Yo! Everybodys out there! This is Carlton Milhouse, your botanist. We need to get H. John Benjamin to do that voice over for us. That would be cool. Arby’s, Archer, Bob’s Burgers and then us in perfect alphabetical order. 

Ok, so they’re like tellin’ me this is supposed to be like a weekly feature now, okay, but anyway if anybody is interested this is in fact the first edition of HIGH TEA , with me, Carlton Milhouse. Your botanist. In case you forgot that. This feature will post at 4PM Eastern US Standard time on Sundays. Makes it easy; only one day of the week you need to remember. That actually includes today, which is kinda fuckin’ weird……

So it’s like I just found out about this myself only this morning, you know. Like no pressure or anything, right? Ya got a few hours, yeah….I’m sure it’ll be fine. Here we go! I am celebrating High Tea this week at the hour of 4:20 with that lovely piece on my mantle, a fine vessel for one’s cuppa chronic. Earl Grey, no lemon and some East KY “Blue” grass. A little “wake and bake” for a cold winter afternoon on the eve of the eve of the new year. That’s like New Years Eve Eve, right. Somethin’ like that.

That will be our theme this week: THE YEAR END 

Now, what I like to do every year, about this time is like on New Years Eve, or New Years Eve Eve is, uh…put together a pair of tables, side by side, representing the categories of SUCK and NOT suck.  Below is an example:

 

                   SUCK                                                               NOT suck

          Diarrhea on stilts                                 Unsolicited sloppy wet blow jobs

Pinching your junk in a zipper                   The cop pursuing you blows a tire

 

Those are good examples for each category, things which universally do and do not suck. Okay? So, now what we’re going to do is form a set of tables for the year 2018. These will record items of suckage and non-suckage in their respective columns. I will open the tables with my observations and invite our readers to respond by comment with their own contributions. Next week, among other things that we might be doing, we’ll post the final results to determine: 2018, Suck or Not.

 

SUCK                                                                                      NOT suck

The national news media                                                Adult Swim

 

Loud mouthed braggart President                               Loud mouthed braggart President

 

Washington, DC                                                               successful 4th generation of hybrids

All of these fucking ads!

Facebook                                                                            Bartok the bat leaving as Atty Gen

The passing of Mark E. Smith                                         Business is good

The passing of Aretha Franklin                                      Tax cuts

 

Okay, well those are my big ones I guess. I’m sure there’s others, but come on! I only had a couple hours warning for this. These are things I can confidently say in my experience of 2018 were sucking and not sucking. Lets hear from our readers and find out next Sunday at 4:20…..

2018: SUCK OR NOT suck

 

So until then this is Carlton Milhouse, your botanist, saying Stay stoned my friends!